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August 30, 2006
None Of My Business
Some parents just amaze me.
I’ve always been the kind of parent who wants to be involved – who wants to know everything that goes on with my son or daughter. However, there are parents out there who could care less and prefer to not know anything. They would rather be in the dark than have to face reality and I for one think this is sad.
Back when Andrew was in fourth or fifth grade, he kept getting into trouble at school for talking. Come to find out, another boy was bothering Andrew and he was just trying to respond. He was trying to tell the other boy not to talk to him during class.
So, I called this boy’s mother. We were very good friends and I figured I could gently tell her about her son and she would take care of him and he would leave Andrew alone.
Yea, right.
Do you know that she had the nerve to say to me, “Tami, do you think that I would call and tell you about Andrew if he were bothering my son?”
I told her that I would want her to call me. I would expect her to call me. I would want to know.
She went on to say that, she couldn’t believe I would bother her over something like this. In other words, she didn’t care about what her son was doing. She didn’t care that he was getting my son into trouble. She didn’t want to know and she wasn’t going to bother HIM with it.
Her son has since dropped out of high school because, “It was just too hard for him.”
Maybe he needed some guidance. Maybe he needed a parent and not a pal. Maybe he needed some rules and guidelines set before him. Too bad, he never got any of those things.
Why am I telling you this? Well, I heard another mother who sounded just like that one this afternoon and it amazes me.
Some parents just don't care.
Posted by tami at August 30, 2006 7:03 PM
Comments
Hmmm a tough one.
I do tend to think that my son's behaviour is his responsibility (and his teachers') at school, because I believe that school is about learning responsibility and consequences as much as anything else. I'd intervene if I thought it was serious, but otherwise just be there to listen and advise if asked (note, this is fairly hypothetical as eldest son has only done one year of school so far - I reserve the right to completely change my mind by high school ;) ). It's not that I don't care, I just have a different world view when it comes to school (but then I remember getting in trouble for talking too when it was another kid's fault).
HOWEVER, I *would* want to know if he was getting someone in trouble, and if I knew it was bothering another parent and the school wasn't dealing with it effectively, then I'd have a word with my son even if I didn't think it was that big a deal, does that make sense? I am, by all accounts, a fairly strict parent in terms of what I let them get away with at home, so I'm probably not your target audience anyway *grin*.
100% agree with you that there does seem to be a (fashion? Is that the right word?) these days to be a "pal" to your kids rather than a parent and it's not a good move. I think there's a good common ground somewhere between the two.
Posted by: Pewari at August 31, 2006 3:22 AM
Having been the teacher in this kind of triangle, I always found it easier if the parents came in and talked to me about it or better still, if the child talked to me about it.
But I agree with you, some attitudes are very different to our own and therefore quite puzzling.
Posted by: Miss L at August 31, 2006 4:32 AM
I made the assumption that since we were friends, I could talk to her about anything, including her son. How wrong I was!
Posted by: Tami at August 31, 2006 7:40 AM
I agree with you, Tami, I would have done the same thing. If I thought one of my kids was getting in trouble for something that wasn't their fault, I would try to have the situation rectified as soon as possible.
I also think that parents are far too lenient with their children these days. It seems that too many kids today have no manners, no morals, and overall worse behavior than ever before. You are right, I think parents today try too hard to be their childrens' friend instead of a good role model and disciplinarian. We can be both to our children, we just have to be careful not to lean too far in either direction.
Posted by: Stacey at August 31, 2006 8:25 AM
Yes, it's bizarre that you can't bring it up in conversation when you're already friendly with the mum in question.
I just put it down to my mantra: "some people are just weird" ;)
Posted by: Pewari at August 31, 2006 4:58 PM
Just remember it is not the teacher's job to raise your kid. So taking a part in their behavior is very important.
Posted by: ellice at September 1, 2006 6:16 AM
I agree... to a certain extent, ellice. However, what I mean about it being my son's and teacher's responsibility is that it is completely with the teacher's right to have a completely different set of rules in class than we would have at home - he or she may be much stricter or much more laid back than I would be, and that's fine.
It's good for my son to realise that in different situations there are different rules and different consequences for breaking them. I'm not going to keep jumping in and interfering over every judgement from his teacher he considers "unfair" as I feel that undermines his teacher and the school's authority.
Of course, if I start to have serious concerns that a teacher is not handling something well, then I will be having a chat with him or her to see how best to deal with it, but in general life is unfair and sometimes you get told off when it isn't your fault.
Should I perhaps intervene with the boss at my son's workplace once he's left school - or would you expect him to be able to be responsible for his own behaviour and dealing with difficult people by that point? How do they learn that life skill? I would be there to listen to his work woes, give advice if requested by him, and be a back up if things go horribly wrong. But I'm not going to be like Lindsay Lohan's mum and writing the letter to the boss excusing my child's crap behaviour once they're an adult!
Sorry Tami - veered a bit off topic, but just wanted to clarify a bit more what I meant by responsibility for behaviour - i.e. it doesn't mean I don't care or am not taking a part.
Posted by: Pewari at September 1, 2006 12:04 PM
If I had kids, I would want to know if they were doing things disruptive, too.
This loosely reminds me of something a parent said to me a few years back. Our back yard abuts the parking lot of an elementary school. There's a lot of activity after the final bell, when kids are being picked up by parents or getting on their busses.
One afternoon, a couple of boys came up in our yard and were breaking the branches on our forsythia bushes while their mothers stood talking in the parking lot. I asked the boys to please not break the branches, but they just looked at me and kept doing it.
Finally, I called over to the mothers and said, "would you please tell your children to stay out of our yards? They're damaging the bushes."
She yelled back, "put up a fence!".
Don't even get me started...Grrrr. Like it's my responsibility to keep strangers' unruly children out of my yard?
Posted by: GW at September 4, 2006 1:37 PM